Ask Beaumont

beaumont new lobster colour

Dear Beaumont,
I’ve been thinking about becoming a vegan because I saw it written on the back of a leather jacket the other day at a show. What should I do?

Get yourself an allotment and start growing your own produce. While you’re at it bury yourself up to your neck in miracle grow and courgettes and let the ants feast on your ugly face, you fucking stinking hippy! Fuck you!
Dear Beaumont,
I’ve been finding that I like my punk psychedelic these days. What should I do?

Go on a long, long acid trip and never come back.

Dear Beaumont,
I’m addicted to buying records on Discogs, what should I do?

For someone who can use and operate the inter-turd, you don’t sound too clever. Don’t you realise punks don’t buy records? They steal them and then eat them! Fuck Knuckle!

Dear Beaumont,
I bought a ticket to a show tonight, is that ok?

Ok?? Are you kidding me??? Of course it’s not OK!! Take that ticket and tear it up. If you’ve still got any money left after you stupidly wasted some on a “ticket” buy yourself some “White Ice” cider and make a jackass of yourself on the pavement outside the venue. You make me sick!

Dear Beaumont,
I think I might be a punk, what should I do? 

Duh! Rip off your own head and eat it! You fucking punk. 

Dear Beaumont,
Lately I’ve been getting into music that isn’t punk rock. I’m a bit concerned, what should I do? 

Buy a really expensive stereo and turn down the volume, then throw a dinner party. Invite all your stupid friends and talk amongst yourselves about how nice it tastes, then get an early night. FUCK YOU!

Hey Beaumont you seem like you have a real chip on your shoulder. 

What shoulder? I’m a fucking lobster!!!

Dear Beaumont,
My neighbourhood is filled with Rock and Roll luminaries and I feel so awe struck every time I walk down the street and see one. Should I say hi?

Wow, settle down there G.G. You sound like a right party animal, huh? Are you a schmuck? Find out where they live. Break into the joint, move yourself in, take a dump everywhere and invite everyone over for a yearlong squat party. Say hi…pfff, dickhead!

Dear Beaumont,
I’m thinking about purchasing a bike to get around on, I feel like I’d be saving myself a few bob and I’d also be doing my bit for the environment, but, I’m not sure, don’t know…do you think I should? 

Yes! You definitely should. That’s a great idea. Be sure to ride your bike on the pavement too, so that when I see you riding by I CAN SMASH YOUR FUCKING FACE IN! FUCK YOU!

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